Archives For Relationships

How My Mom Makes A Difference

May 12, 2013 — 6 Comments

As long-time readers of the blog know I have a bit of a tradition going where I write about how people have made a difference in my life. It’s my way of acknowledging some of the richest blessings God has given me. It is unfortunate that up to this point I have yet to write about my mom. It isn’t for a lack of material; in fact, the exact opposite is true. It is hard to encapsulate in a mere blog post all the ways that my mom makes a difference. Because of that, this may be the first of many such posts. It is fitting however, that I at least attempt to articulate how my mom has enriched my life and the life of others. There are few people I know who so consistently make a difference for God’s Kingdom yet do so in such an understated and often unrecognized way. The main way she does this? She’s a servant. It’s one of the first words I think of when I think of my mom and one of the things that I’m convinced she will be most acclaimed for when she meets her Lord. Here are just some of the ways my mom makes a difference through how she serves:

She serves faithfully. – As anyone who has had the privilege of serving alongside my mom knows, if she commits to do something, you can all but guarantee that she will do it. She is often the first person to be somewhere and the last to leave. It doesn’t matter what role has been assigned to her, she will do whatever bit of service is most needed in order to ensure that the ministry she has committed to is carried out with excellence. I can’t think of a single time that she refused to do any particular task. As a teacher she taught her students the importance of diligence and she is a living representation of it. She serves unwaveringly and tirelessly, pouring out her life in order to bless others.

She serves expansively. - Not only does my mom serve faithfully, but she serves in a variety of different capacities and ministries. From leading a junior high small group, to coming alongside young moms, to reach out to those who, like her, have lost their husbands, if she sees someone in need and believes that there is a way she might be able to bless them, she is there to do so.  She cooks meals, babysits kids, teaches Truth, prays fervently, shares wisdom and does a variety of other things. It seems that almost any time our church puts out a call for volunteers, my mom is checking her schedules and commitments to see if there is one more way that she can minister to others.  She doesn’t restrict herself to those areas of service where she is most comfortable or where she is most naturally inclined. Anyone and everyone is a potential object of her ministry commitment.

She serves with love. - It would be easy to read what has been written so far and to think that my mom serves so well because she is such a hard worker and she is excellent at managing her schedule. But to come to that conclusion would miss one of the most important reasons that my mom is so effective in her service; she loves those that she serve. Again, because she serves in so many different ways this means she loves so many different people. She cries for them when they hurt, she prays for them when they struggle and she cheers for them when she sees God’s good work in their life. For my mom, serving isn’t about getting things done. It is about loving others so that through doing so, they may experience the love of Christ.

She serves to serve her Savior. – The single most important thing to know about my mom and her commitment to serve is that ultimately it is not the people that she is ministering to who are the object of her service. She serves them because when she does so she is serving Christ. I am convinced this alone is the reason everything else I have written above is true. She serves faithfully, expansively and with love because when she looks at those she ministers to she sees the sacrifice, grace and forgiveness of her Savior. She may grow weary, but she knows that He does not. It may seem that she has been overlooked, but she knows that the One who matters sees it all. It’s because she loves her Lord that she serves those He has placed in her path. It’s because He was a servant (Mt. 20:28) that she has committed her life to the same.

As you can see from what I’ve written, my mom is an exceptional human being. The fact that God choose such a woman to be my mom is one of the greatest blessings He has ever given me. I have learned so much through her words and through the way she lives her life. I know that I’m not alone in that regard.

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Lessons of the 4th Month

May 7, 2013 — 1 Comment

If anyone is keeping track you know that this post is a bit late. I’m learning that sometimes life with an infant is just like that. Your days, weeks and months are hard to predict, and just when you think you can, they learn a new behavior or pick up a new habit and the whole schedule shifts. Thankfully, there’s little chance of being bored. Even more thankfully there are lots of lessons to still learn. So here are some of the ones I learned during my little one’s fourth month:

Laughter is good for the soul – I know this isn’t exactly a new lesson (see Proverbs 17:22). However, there is nothing quite like the first time your child knowingly and consciously gives you a big belly laugh. All of a day’s troubles can seem to momentarily disappear as you watch their face light up. If you can get them to do this repeatedly, several times in a row – that’s a huge bonus. In the hustle and bustle of things we can forget the joy that comes from a good laugh and we can be quick to dismiss those moments of simple joy. It’s important to cherish them when they come. Sometimes they will be few and far between which makes them all the more precious and sweet.

Pray over the little things – It’s probably not uncommon for new parents to spend a lot of time in prayer. There are so many unknowns with raising a little life. When they are young, it’s hard to tell if you are doing a good job since their cries can mean anything from “I’m tired” to “I’m in pain.” to “I am just having a rough day and this is the only way I know to express it. Personally, I found myself spending time in prayer over my little girl’s future but didn’t dedicate enough time to praying over those seemingly “insignificant” things that can rock a new mom’s day. God cares about the birds of the air and the lilies of the field (Mt. 6:25-30); He certainly cares about whether my little one is learning to nap. I need to seek His wisdom and help in all things – not just the ones that seem readily obvious are outside of my control.

Be careful what you say – Having two nieces is often a great reminder that I need to be careful with my words; I don’t want to say anything that I wouldn’t want them repeating. However, my four-month old has taught me that this vigilance should happen a lot sooner. We have sung songs to her since before she was born and after she arrived it was how we spent a considerable part of her awake time. As we have done so, she has learned to “stand” when we say that word (she holds onto our hands, of course, but the effort to stand when she hears the word is all hers). Already she’s picking up on things that are going on around her and learning to respond accordingly. My words should reflect the kind of heart that I want my child to have – a heart that is pleasing to God.

Say “yes” to help – I’ve written before about the blessing of helping hands, but it bears repeating. People who are willing to do things for you are gifts to be treasured. It’s easy to think that you should have things together – after all, your child is four months old already! But, as already mentioned, things are constantly changing and when you think that you have a handle on things, that’s just about the time that you can get knocked off your feet. I think it’s also important to realize that there’s likely a spiritual element at play here. Not only are we to “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2) but Satan would probably like few things better than to make us feel alone, discouraged and without support. When people offer to help – take it. When they don’t offer and you need it – say so. And make sure you are relying on the Helper. Being a parent is too big of a job to do it in your own strength.

Tricks of the Trade - Some things you don’t ever learn until you are a mom. Here are some I’ve learned:

a) Get a mobile that runs on batteries – not a wind-up one. Trust me – when your child has woken up for the umpteenth time because their wind-up mobile ran out just as they were falling asleep, you will thank me.

b) Sunshine is a great stain remover. If onsies, blankets, burp cloths, etc. get soiled (and they will), hang them in the sun. This worked better than any chemical compound I found.

c) If your child adopts a “lovey” or you want them to, get two of them. If one gets dirty (or worse yet, lost!) they can still have their precious security blanket to cling to.

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The Coming Payoff

April 25, 2013 — 2 Comments

When I was younger, my mom would preach the value of retirement accounts. “Compounding interest” was the key phrase and I still remember a newspaper article she saved that illustrated how if you started saving when you were young, you would have significantly more than if you waited until you were older and tried to “make up” for your lack of earlier diligence. My mom wanted us to learn what a lot of people only discover through experience – it may seem like there are “better” things to spend your money on when you are young, but when you are older you are going to be glad you made the sacrifice to save while your obligations were few. It may seem like retirement is a long ways away, but the years go by quickly. The payoff for your diligence will be here before you know it.

Although it may be odd to state it, it is helpful to think of our relationships the same way – particularly the relationship with our spouse. The day-to-day sacrifices may seem small, but their value accumulates over time. A decision to defer to our loved one’s preferences or a choice to serve rather than be served may appear insignificant in the moment, but it reaps dividends in the end. Not only do we grow in our willingness to demonstrate love the more that we practice it, but we demonstrate a pattern of behavior to our spouse that displays their importance in our lives. It is easy to say “I love you” much like it is relatively easy to earn a single paycheck. It takes diligence to act on this love day-in and day-out even when the benefits of doing so aren’t seen in that moment.

Unfortunately, many people approach their relationship with their spouse in the same way that many people approach retirement. Sacrifices aren’t made early on, and then they try to “make up” for it when crisis hits. Equally unfortunately, often times this has as little chance for success in relationships as it does for retirement. When the small choices to love aren’t made, it is even more difficult to make the hard ones.

The decision to save for retirement when you are young is a decision that is made because you recognize that statistically you are probably going to need that money when you are no longer employed.  It considers the long-term view, anticipating the future that you desire to have and making choices now that will help prepare you for that desired stated. In the same way, choosing to demonstrate love, forgiveness, grace and appreciation for our spouse in the moments and the days that we have now is preparing us to fulfill the vow that we made on our wedding day. Namely, that we will love in sickness and health, better or worse, and that nothing but death will tear us apart. May we look to the coming pay-off of our choices, recognizing that as we do so we are diligently preparing for the days ahead.

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In Focus

April 9, 2013 — Leave a comment
©iStockphoto.com/halbergman

©iStockphoto.com/halbergman

Throughout Scripture Christians are commanded to love and serve other people (See John 13:34-35; Gal 5:14; Phil. 2:1-11) . Other believers are to receive first priority when it comes to our efforts (Gal. 6:10, but that does not negate our responsibility to extend this commitment to anyone God places in our path. Our commitment to Christ is reflected in how we treat others (John 13:35) and therefore how we treat others should regularly reflect our growing sanctification.

The challenge is that a lot of times this commitment to love and serve others can be inconvenient, to say the least. We have our own priorities and obligations and we wonder how we are going to achieve all that we want to if we are constantly focusing on those around us. However, as I was reminded recently, one of the reasons that the Christian is able to keep their eye out for how they can serve others is because they are confident that God is keeping His eyes on them. We don’t need to worry about who is taking care of us because the Creator and Sustainer of all things has us firmly in His hands (John 10:28).

It’s easy to spout these truths; many Christians have heard them since they were children in Sunday School. However, our degree of trust in them is displayed based on how we conduct our lives. If we are constantly focused on making sure our needs are met and our goals are achieved than its unlikely that we will have time to focus on others. If instead we trust that God is focusing His attention on us and there is no one who can provide for us better than Him, than we are free to walk as Jesus did – seeking out those who are in need and extending ourselves in order to serve and love them.

Just as God ensures that the sun is going to rise (Mt. 5:45) and that the flowers are going to bloom (Lk. 12:27), He has promised that He will provide for the needs of His children (Lk. 12:22-31). Instead of worrying about these things, He wants us to be focused on how we can be His ambassadors of love to those lives which He causes to intersect with our own. As we do so He gives us the double blessing of being used by Him to accomplish His purposes. And what better thing is there to focus on than that?

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My Desires vs. His Will

April 4, 2013 — 2 Comments

One of the signs of Christian maturity is that my desires increasingly align with God’s will. After all, if I am truly seeking first His Kingdom than I can trust that what I want and what God desires are the same thing. This is by no means an easy thing to do. Our sinful nature constantly battles against it. But as we do so we find that no only is our heart aligned with God’s purposes and plans, but that “all these things” are added to us as well (see Mt. 6:33).

Pursuing God’s will over my desires becomes a whole new ballgame once you become a parent. It is a natural for a mom or a dad to desire good things for their child’s life – to give their child, as has often been said, a better life than they had. I have had a wonderfully blessed life – wonderful parents, caring friends, a godly and loving spouse, and opportunities that have far exceeded what I would have dreamed of – and I desire all these things – and more – for my little girl.  I want to protect her, to keep her from harm and to promote her happiness. Yet God’s desire for her is not merely that she would be happy but that she would be holy. And as anyone who has walked with God for a while can tell you, holiness is not also engendered through the happiest of means.

This means that sometimes what God wills for her life and what I instinctively desire for her may not be the same thing. It means that I will not be able to protect her from every difficulty or help her overcome every challenge. It even means that I must give up my fleshly expectations in order to pursue heavenly ones. But as I do so, I’m trusting her to the will of a Heavenly Father who loves her more than I could imagine, and whose desire for good things in her life is even greater than my own.

So as I’m contemplating my child’s future, and dreaming dreams on her behalf, I must constantly say “Father, not my will, but Yours be done” and as she grows, I must strive to teach my little one to say the same.

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Choosing to Remain

March 28, 2013 — 2 Comments
©iStockphoto.com/YasmineV

©iStockphoto.com/YasmineV

A lot of time when we think about the decisions that weigh on our mind, we are making a choice about what’s next. With alternatives presented before us, we have to decide what option we are going to pursue. We equate making a choice with selecting a certain course of action, and action of course means doing something different.

It is true that many times when we are making a decision we are discontinuing what we have been doing in order to do something new. However continuing to do the same thing is a choice as well. I can make a decision about where to go on vacation, but I can also go to work and not take a vacation at all. It may not seem like maintaining my normal routine involves much decision-making prowess, but making that call is just as much as a decision as selecting between Hawaii and the Bahamas. This is why people are rightly aghast when witnesses to a crime do not intervene. Continuing on with what they had been doing instead of helping someone in need is choosing their own priorities over someone that needed their assistance.

In a similar way, I’m convinced that the collapse of many marriages is caused because people do not recognize that choosing to remain in that marriage is not a matter of habit but a matter of decision. This is a choice that must not just be made in crisis moments; it is one that must be selected each and every day. People may think that staying in a marriage is simply a routine that is formed over time, however, in reality it is a proactive commitment that each partner makes and reinforces on a regular basis.

We can see that remaining in a relationship is a choice because Christ commanded His followers to remain in a relationship with Him. “Abide in Me” He stated (John 15:4). In other words, stay with Me; choose each and every day to remain My dedicated follower, committed to doing My Will and intent on demonstrating My love. If following this directive didn’t necessitate some volition on our part, than it would be a nonsensical command. If abiding in Christ simply happened as a matter of course than He wouldn’t need to provide His followers with this direction. Similarly, remaining in a marriage isn’t just second nature; it requires dedication, commitment and daily perseverance.

Recognizing this distinction is important because it is too easy to think that marriages remain intact based solely on some unknown quantification of whether a couple was “meant to be.” Instead, marriages remain together if, by the grace of God, the couple regularly and intentionally purposes to stay that way. It may seem like couples only makes a proactive choice when a marriage ends, but that is not the case. Husbands and wives also choose to remain, and marriages that last will make that choice, time and time again.

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Lessons of the 3rd Month

March 21, 2013 — Leave a comment

Since becoming a parent I have often heard that it gets easier after the third month. I imagine that is not only due to the learning curve but also because you start settling into a routine with the new little human that has been welcomed into your home. I guess I can let you know next month if I have found this to be true for us. As for the last month though, it has been filled with its own adventures and lessons. Here is some of what I have learned:

  • Leverage Gospel Opportunities – Having a kid makes all kinds of people stop and say things to you when under normal circumstances they wouldn’t give you a second look. From meeting neighbors while out on a walk or interacting with strangers while out to dinner, I have met and talked with numerous people since becoming a parent. In one of these early incidents I realized that these were golden opportunities to be a witness for the sake of the Gospel. Whether it’s responding to a compliment on our baby’s appearance with an acknowledgement that it was God and not us who deserves the praise, or the initial exchange of trying to get my kid to smile leads to a deeper conversation, I need to be mindful of how God may be using me in the lives of these people I do not know. I need to be poised with responses that bring Him glory and that hopefully prompt others to seek Him as well.

 

  • Consistency (and flexibility) are key – You could probably divide parents up into two groups – those who like a schedule and those who adore spontaneity. Over this last month, I’ve learned that both are critical. Like most people, babies do better when they know what to expect so as much as you can being consistent with things like schedules and routines helps them to make sense of this world that they were abruptly thrown into. However, babies don’t keep a Google calendar and at any moment they can throw your carefully orchestrated routine a curveball. It’s important to be adaptable to these changes. Not only will it probably make for a more enjoyable home life for both you and your infant, you are teaching them a valuable skill for their future. After all, being content in all circumstances (Phil. 4:11) includes those times when naps are interrupted, sleep is nonexistent and you just can’t figure out why your kid is upset.

 

  • It takes two, baby – When a child is really young, it may be tempting to think that all the need is their mom. Mothers are often the ones that feed them, that change them, that comfort them and that help them to sleep. However, there is a reason that when God established a family He did so with a mom and a dad (Gen. 2:24). I have been frequently reminded over the past month that this parenting gig would be so much harder without the love, support and help of my spouse. HIs presence is not only important for my kid but his presence helps me be a better parent. Without him, this journey would be very difficult.

 

  • It won’t be like this for long - There are days that seem like they won’t end. Around every corner there is a new challenge. However, in just the first three months our little one has undergone so many changes as she learns to adapt to the world around her. The sleepless nights won’t always be there, and neither will her reliance on me. The things that “I can’t wait to be over” may very well be the things I look back on and remember fondly. Things are going to change and it’s good to remember that – in the tough times as well as the good ones.

 

  • Babies Don’t Read Clocks or Calendars - I’ve always been fairly ambivalent about daylight savings time – I didn’t necessarily enjoy it but it wasn’t anything to get to worked up over either. That was until I had a kid. Losing an hour of sleep is rough on many adults; it’s even more difficult when you can’t tell time and don’t know that you’re supposed to adjust your sleeping patterns. Similarly, my young one has no idea when we have a busy day scheduled so she has no way of knowing that the night before is not the time to want to spend all night with Mom at her crib side. Changing my expectations regarding how my little one will respond to the things of which she is totally unaware, will probably put a lot less stress on me, and her.

In the midst of all the challenges and changes it can be difficult to remember what a blessing each day with my little one is. As Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” I’m so grateful that God has awarded me the good gift of my child. I look forward to many more lessons that He will teach me as her parent.

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When It’s My Kid

March 14, 2013 — 6 Comments

Moms have an instinctive desire to protect. It’s why we’re usually the first resort to kiss boo-boos and to hug away tears. The nervous mom you see pacing back and forth as her kid climbs to the top of the playground jungle gym – that’s for the same reason. Moms are wired to want to keep their children from harm. This is the cause of many sleepless nights and many desperate prayers.

One of the prayers I often offered before my child was born was that she would be great in God’s Kingdom. After she was born the reality of this prayer hit me. There was a direct conflict between this request and my desire to protect her. Those who are great in God’s Kingdom have lives punctuated by ridicule, hurt and difficulties (see John 15:20; John 16:33). Most, if not all, are called to lay aside some of the comforts and conveniences of this life in order to serve God more faithfully. Those who are great in God’s Kingdom follow in the steps of His Son, and that is a path marked by challenges and pain.

Yet in praying this prayer for my little one I am acknowledging that there is something greater than what this world has to offer. In recognizing that the accolades here do not compare to the commendations in Heaven, I am preparing her, as well as myself,  for what I hope will be a life characterized by service and sacrifice for His Kingdom. In entrusting her to His care I’m recognizing that my ability to protect her is limited but His ability to provide for her is not. I desire to shield her, it’s true, but my greater desire is that she will be a partaker of Christ’s riches and live a life that glorifies Him (see Phil. 4:19; I Peter 5:10).

The costs of discipleship are high. Perhaps there’s no greater awareness of this than when it’s your kid that must pay them. But asking now that my kid may be worthy of the honor will hopefully make me better prepared to to support her when that day comes. And in doing so may I place her where she always belonged anyway – safely in the Heavenly Father’s hands.

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Lessons of the 2nd Month

February 27, 2013 — 2 Comments

My little one is officially a little over two month’s old which means that’s the amount of time that I’ve been doing this parenthood thing (although I still technically think parenthood starts before the baby makes their official debut in this world but the amount of time she’s been out of the womb makes a convenient marker for assessing what I’ve learned). As any parent can tell you, it’s amazing the amount of things that can change in such a short period of time. A little one becomes more alert and engages more with the outside world during their second month. This creates some special moments and some challenges as well. Through it all, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned:

  • Parenthood is revealing - One of the things that a new parent quickly learns is how revealing parenthood is. The source of your strength is quickly on display. If you have been relying on yourself, all it takes is one sleepless night or one fussy day to demonstrate that you can’t do this gig in your own strength. The areas of sin that are so easily concealed under “normal circumstances” become unmasked when your child is crying and you have no idea what to do. Frustrations, insecurities, anxiety and other heart issues come out as you realize there are no step-by-step instructions on how to make things better. Hopefully these revelations drive us to our knees in prayers. Hopefully, they remind us of what we always should have known – we were never intended to live this life on our own strength anyway. 

 

  • There is no “normal.” –  There are a monumental number of parenting books at a new parent’s disposal. Add that to the number of blogs that are focused on the subject and there are no lack of published opinions available to the parent. Each book or blog post spouts the author’s perspectives, and most promise a system to tackle the problems that permeate a baby’s young life. The challenge is that no two babies are the same. What worked for one baby, or even one group of babies, may not work for your kid. “Normal” is an aggregated label, and unfortunately your individual child isn’t an aggregate. It takes patience to learn your own kid’s proclivities and in doing so you may find that what’s normal for them, isn’t what the books say at all.

 

  • Take what you can. Discard the rest. – Because there is no normal, everyone’s well-meaning advice may not work for you. Take what you can, filtering it through what you have already learned about your own child’s preferences and tendencies, and discard the rest. It doesn’t make you a bad parent if you don’t follow every piece of advice, especially because it won’t take long before the sources of advice will contradict each other. Also, just like each child is unique, people’s parenting styles differ too. What may have been a turnkey system for one person, may not fit your personality or how you desire to interact with your child. That’s o.k. People give advice because they care. Remember that. Appreciate that. But you don’t have to follow everything they say.

 

  • A smile can change a day.  – In the midst of the challenges there is nothing quite like when your kid smiles at you. You can be in tears because you just can’t figure out the best way to put her down for a nap, and she can look up at you, coo, and give you a bright, big smile and suddenly everything that seemed so strenuous moments before, evaporates. You may still want to figure out how to ease into nap time, but you also realize that for the most part, your little one is doing just fine. They’re learning; you’re learning, and that smile can seem to say “it’s o.k. – we’re going to figure this out together.” And you likely will. And the smiles at that moment will be all the more sweet because of the joys you shared along the way.

Being a parent is a privilege. It is a gift from God and a ministry that isn’t to be taken lightly. Thankfully, in the midst of all the uncertainties of being a parent, we can trust in the One who is certain, knowing that even as our kid changes, He never will (Ja. 1:17).

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On Loan

February 6, 2013 — Leave a comment
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©iStockphoto.com/velcron

When I was younger I loved going to the library.  I was a voracious reader and the fact that you could obtain a book, read it, and then return it for another one was delightful to me.  When I realized I could check out multiple books, it was even better. I didn’t have to spend my hard earned allowance to get a new treasure to read; I could simply borrow it from the library and return it when I was done.

As I grew older, I went to the library less and less. While I’m sure that there were many reasons for the decline in my library visits, I believe that one of them is that I became more concerned with acquiring books I wanted. It wasn’t enough just to have read the book; I wanted to keep it – to make it my own. The library isn’t fond of its patrons highlighting and underlining in their texts, but if I owned the book I could do that to my heart’s content. Additionally, owning the book allowed me to refer back to it as often as I wanted. It was mine and I could do with it what I want.

I’ve been thinking about this tendency towards possession a lot since I became a parent. We tend to think of our children as “ours” and consider it our job to mold them and shape them into the person that we think that they should be. We’re protective of them, sometimes beyond the natural concern of someone who is responsible for the care of another and more like an individual who believes their identity is tied up in the life of someone else. We’re quick to defend our parenting practices reminding others that they can do as they want with their own children, but with our kids we’re the final arbitrator and judge. Our kids, our rules we say, and we feel confident that this is the way things should be.

Despite this proclivity, the Bible teaches us something else about our kids. Scripture says that our children are to be arrows that are shot out to do the work of the Lord (Ps. 127:4-5). If our kids are supposed to go out from us, they obviously aren’t ours to possess. Instead, God has given us charge of them for a time – to teach, train and correct them in the way of the Lord – and then He expects that we, like Hannah, will give them back to Him (I Sam. 1:27-28). We aren’t to see them as ours to do mold and shape as we will. We are to see them as a ministry that God has called us to for a time and as with any ministry, our aim should be God’s glory and not our own.

When your child is young it is difficult to imagine a time where they won’t need you for every little thing. Unfortunately, some parents act as if that time doesn’t ever end. They see it as their responsibility to direct their child’s life long after God has called them away from that particular part of the parental ministry. Perhaps this is because they think of the child as “theirs” rather than “His.” Perhaps it’s because they don’t recognize that the child is on loan. And just like the library wanted their books back within a certain time frame, God expects us to “give” our child back to Him as well, fully recognizing that they were never “ours” really anyway.

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