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Corrupting Words

February 16, 2012 in Relationships with 0 Comments

There are times that we immediately recognize the damage of our words.

A fight erupts, tears ensue or anger explodes that lets us know that what we have just said inflicted pain.

Hopefully at these times we are quick to seek forgiveness. The fracture in the relationship is obvious and so is the need to mend it. The damage of our words is evident and so our rush to repair it is hopefully swift.

However, these might not be the only times that our words are causing harm. Ephesians 4:29 says let no “corrupting talk” proceed from our mouth. Corruption isn’t something that takes place immediately. Much like the bike that is left out in the rain will slowly start to build rust and have the integrity of its frame compromise, so our words may eat away at our loved one’s heart. It’s not just the zingers and the bold fights that cause harm; it’s the slow demise that comes from words that didn’t cause an immediate response but penetrated deep inside. Things may look good on the outside, but the person is slowly being destroyed within.

That’s why God commands us to avoid this talk altogether. We are told to say those things that are useful only for building up, not those things that will lead to destruction. Because while the damage of hurtful words may not be readily apparent, the damage is still there. The bonds of our relationships are being weakened and compromised when we say words that our meant to bring someone else down. Even if it was meant as a joke. Even if we think they don’t care.

In our relationships,our goal should be to reflect His love more – to be instruments of His in the work that He is doing in someone else’s life. This is impossible to do if our words are destroying the person that He created.

The Importance of Speaking Well

February 14, 2012 in Relationships with 4 Comments

In marketing, we talk a lot about creating “buzz.” The idea is that if you can get other people talking about your message, and passing it on to their friends, that that is more effective than inundating your audience with commercials. The challenge is that people are much more inclined to pass along something negative than they are to talk about a positive experience, so the number of positive experiences must far outweigh that negative ones in order for the “buzz” to have a beneficial effect. We see this in our relationships as well. Psychologists tell us that for every negative thing we say, it requires some multiplied number of positive things to just get us back to “equal.”  We tend to overly focus on the negative.
Yet, just as we are quick to share negative things about the product we purchased, or the store we purchased, we are quick to use our words to publicly disparage those we love. The problem is that what we have said is passing or in a moment of anger, is what people remember. To combat this, we need to develop the habit of speaking well of our spouse. Not just in every once in a while, but as a way of life.
There are at least three reasons why this is important:
  •  It guards against temptation. – When you are speaking well of your spouse, you’re reminded of all the great things about them – which is good for your relationship. However, it is also good for other people to hear the delight that you find in the one you love. People of the opposite sex will not find you an unlikely candidate for temptation if you’re frequently acknowledging how great your current relationship is.
  • It affirms their position.- Similarly, it’s important that we speak well of our spouse because it doing so we demonstrate their priority in our lives. We need to regularly acknowledge to ourselves and to others that our loved ones are important – that after God, our spouse takes precedent. Speaking well of them helps communicate this, and reminds us of the need to serve them before ourselves.
  • It models commitments. – When we shared our vows on our wedding day, we were committing to live in a certain way towards our spouse. Using our words to honor them, helps demonstrate the fulfillment of these vows. They obviously aren’t the complete fulfillment of them, but if we can speak well of those we love it goes a long way towards moving in that direction. It also models what love looks like to a watching world. People will judge us by our actions to be sure, but if we aren’t speaking well of our loved one, they probably won’t stick around to see how we behave.
So what does it mean to speak well of our spouse? How can we do that practically? Here are three suggestions:
  • Celebrate their achievements. – As written about earlier, we should be our spouse’s biggest cheerleader. One of the ways that we need to speak well of our husband and wive is to celebrate with them when they do something significant. We need to encourage them towards whatever work that God is doing in their lives and whether it’s a job promotion, or progress in their spiritual walk we need to rejoice in how God is working within them to accomplish His purposes.
  • Acknowledge Giftedness. – Another way that we can speak well of our spouse is to regularly acknowledge the gifts that our Father has given them.  Of course, it’s important that we recognize the Source of these gifts, but at the same time, we can affirm the areas that we see that God has bestowed talents and abilities in our spouse. By doing so, not only do we recognize their areas of strength, but we acknowledge the ways in which God has uniquely created them for the purpose of His kingdom, and how God has used those gifts to sanctify us and bring us closer to Him.
  • Commend Obedience. – One of the most encouraging ways we can speak well of our spouse may be to state how we see them growing in their relationship with our Savior.  We have a front-row seat to what God is doing in their lives, and when they respond appropriately to the work that He is doing, this is worthy of encouragement. When our loved one makes the hard choice that pleases God, but costs them, we should applaud that – for the purpose of acknowledging how God is using our spouse for His glory. This world is not an easy place for a Christian, and as our spouse obeys God and conforms to His work in their life, we should use our words to encourage them.
When speaking well of our spouse we have to be careful to check our motives. After all, we need to be doing it in order to honor God first of all, and encourage them. However, if we are so committed to using our words in this way, not only will it benefit our marriage, but it will make it an even better representation of the kind of love God desires between Him and His Church.

The Done List

February 9, 2012 in Relationships with 2 Comments

A frequent visitor in many homes is the “honey-do list.” This list, usually kept by the wife and given to the husband, is a recount of what projects need to be completed around the house. It is an account of what tasks remain unfinished and is usually distributed on a day off in the hopes of encouraging their final completion.

Honey-do lists serve a useful purpose in that they help identify areas of focus. However, sometimes I think it would be helpful if we also kept a “honey-done list.” If we were as purposeful about remembering what has already been accomplished, the ways that our spouse has already blessed us, as we were about remembering what remains unfinished, it would likely benefit out marriage. Even if the honey-done list is just a mental one, it is important to remind ourselves of the ways that our husband or wife have served us or our family and in doing so demonstrated their love. We can become some focused on what remains, that we forget what has already been accomplished. And in doing so, we may neglect to show the proper appreciation and gratitude to the one God has given us.

Throughout Scripture we are commanded to remember – to think upon the things that God has done in order to have confidence and hope in the future (E.g. Deut. 8:18, Ps. 77:11, Eph. 2:12-13). We would do well to apply this to our marriages too. After all, when we remember all that our spouse has done for us, we may be willing to forgive the honey-to-do list that continues to grow. And we’re more apt to show the kind of appreciation and love to our spouse that God desires His church to show Him (See Eph. 5:22-33).

 

 

 

Regardless

February 2, 2012 in Relationships with 0 Comments

At a recent conference, one speaker talked about what it means to live for Christ with your family.  In a day amd age where the word “family” is fraught with different interpretations and when families, however they are defined, seem to daily break down in front of us, it is difficult to see how they can be a reflection of Christ. However, as Christians all our lives are to reflect our Savior, and within our families the same principle applies.

One of the ways that we do this is by not imposing our limitations on our commitment to those that God has placed in our lives. No where is this more important that our marriage. Of course, God makes it clear in His Word that our first commitment is to Him, and as such, that will create “limitations” of sorts (For example – if our spouse asks us to do something that violates a clear command of Scripture, God says that we must demonstrate our loyalty to Him and His Word, rather than our loyalty to our loved one.) However, outside of that parameter, we need to have a “regardless” attitude. We respect regardless of agreement. We love regardless of loveliness. Our fidelity to each other should not be dependent upon the other person. Instead, we remain faithful, regardless.

This isn’t an easy attitude to have. Our sinful nature prompts us to put boundaries and walls in order to protect ourselves and to ensure that we get what we desire. God, however, makes it clear that the purpose of a Christian marriage is to reflect Him, and no one had a “regardless” attitude more than our Lord. After all He died for those who were in rebellion against Him (Ro. 5:8). And having the same attitude as Him will require dying to ourselves, but as we do so, our marriage will be a beautiful portrait – not only of human love, but of the love that Christ demonstrates to His Church.

A Daily Renewal

January 26, 2012 in Relationships with 2 Comments

Earlier this week musician Seal and his supermodel wife, Heidi Klum announced that they were separating. Among the many things that the couple are noted for, one of them was their practice to renew their wedding vows on their anniversary. Each year they would choose a different location and, with their children in tow, recommit themselves to each other. They were so noted for this practice that other celebrities followed suit, giving credit to Seal and Heidi for the idea.

While I don’t know the reasons for the couple’s decision, I was struck by the fact that two people who annually commit to share their lives together would decide to separate. For a lot of couples it seems that their decision to end their marriage (or at least to live separately from their spouse) is a result of a slow deterioration in the relationship. One would be tempted to think that an annual vow renewal would prevent such an erosion. Then I realized that it was a foolish thought. An annual vow renewal is not nearly frequent enough. Instead, it needs to happen each and every day.

Now before you think I am suggesting an elaborate ceremony each day, I’m not. What I am suggesting however, is that just like we must daily die to our selves to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, we must daily remind ourselves of the commitment that we made to our spouse. Daily we must choose to sacrifice “me” for the sake of “us.” Daily would must commit ourselves to demonstrating love, even, maybe especially, when the other person isn’t lovely. Daily we must say “for better or worse; ’til death do us part.”

On your wedding day it’s easy to see only the best in the person that you are marrying. They are (usually) dressed in their snazziest clothes and you are reminded of all the reasons that you agreed to pledge your life to this person. Later on, in the grit and grime of daily life, that image can fade. Yet it’s in the most moments that your vows become most important. It’s in those moments that your promises hold weight.

An annual vow renewal is a nice idea – and I suppose it’s a memorable way to celebrate your anniversary. However, more marriages would be better served by a daily vow renewal – not one of ceremonial proportions but a daily commitment to live out the promises that were made on their wedding day. And if we fail at keeping them perfectly one day, to quickly forgive ourselves and our spouse, and vow to keep them when the sun rises next.  Til death parts us.

Patience Not Pressure

January 19, 2012 in Relationships with 0 Comments

In our microwave-fast culture, it can be hard to wait for things to change. We want things to happen now – not later, and definitely not eventually. We are eager for things to be different – with ourselves, and sometimes with the people we love.

The danger is that our impatience can often turn to pressure. Perhaps this is no more pronounced that in our relationship with our spouse. We see things that should be changed – maybe even things that if changed will benefit them – and we want that to happen immediately. Instead of waiting for God to work, we begin working on the other person – so that they conform to the standards we have set (seemingly unconcerned with whether these are God’s standards too.)

It’s a process that we would never apply to our children. We celebrate each small step they take – even when it doesn’t mean that they are now ready to run a marathon. We know that development doesn’t happen over night – that it takes the God-initiated process of time, effort and patience for them to grow. Yet, we often look for instantaneous growth in others. We want them to immediately become the person that we think they were created to be.

What we often fail to remember is that if we “work” on our spouse, it will be a lot less effective then if God works in them. He is the One who we need to trust to transform them into His likeliness. We should encourage and we should help, as we are able, but ultimately the responsibility is His. We need to have patience for the work that He is doing and extend that patience to those we love.

Waiting is hard – there’s no doubt about it. But there’s also no doubt that if we are waiting on God we can trust in the work that He is doing.

The Blessing of Marriage

January 12, 2012 in Relationships with 0 Comments

It’s a funny thing how our sinful hearts work. Not “haha” funny - but mind-boggling, ridiculous kind of funny. If you talk to most unmarried Christian women, they are longing for that day when they will be married. They look forward to it with eager anticipation, hopeful of all the good things that will come from pledging their lives to be bound to one man until death separates them. However, if you talk to most married women, they are usually full of complaints. What once seemed like a privilege, now seems like a hassle. What was once eagerly anticipated, is now thoughtlessly disregarded. 

People might be tempted to offer explanations for this phenomenom. When we are young and hopeful we don’t anticipate the challenges and trails that come from married life. Additionally, as the old saying goes, “familiarity breeds contempt” and what once seemed exciting has lost it’s luster. However, I’m inclined to think our sinful hearts and our short-term memory are the best explanation. We neglect to remember that what seems like a burden was once a blessing we longed for.  We are quick to forget that marriage is a privilege and a gift.

Usually this forgetfulness rears its ugly head when we are tired of the many “have to’s” of marriage. We don’t want to have to clean up after someone else. We don’t want to have to adjust our schedule to accomodate theirs. And the list could go on. However, instead of “have to’s” we should be thinking of these things as “get to’s”  We get the blessing of sharing our lives with someone that we can serve everyday in simple yet meaningful ways. We get to participate in another’s lives – learning from their dispositions, interests and activities. When the ”have tos” become “get tos” our hearts and our minds are rightly considering the blessing that marriage is.

One pastor is fond of saying that it’s only because our spouse isn’t perfect that we get the opportunity to glorify God in our marriage. In other words, the things that frustrate us about our spouse are actually a chance for us to demonstrate God’s grace, love, and mercy. The blessing of marriage isn’t that we have to contend with the challenges that matriomony holds, it’s that we get to do it in a way that display’s God’s goodness to someone we love, and to a watching world.

 

How does changing our perspective from “have to” to “get to” change how we interact with our spouse?

Helping, Not Hindering

January 5, 2012 in Relationships with 2 Comments

Most women I know are prone to action. Perhaps it’s our God-given inclination to care for things that makes us swift to cross the next thing off our to-do list (or even to write the to-do list in the first place.) We’re also inclined to progression. We measure our kids’ height as they grow throughout the year. We try to better ourselves through a myriad of different ways and compare our “growth” with those that we know. In fact, perhaps it’s this tendency to compare that fuels our “action-oriented” nature. We want to make sure that we are viewed favorably in comparison to our friends.

The challenge with this is that we often turn this proclivity towards our husbands and make them the object of our activity. We are quick to identify the ways that he could improve to be a better spouse, employee, father, etc. In this regard, there is a fine line between helper and hindrance. Helping is lovingly encouraging your spouse as he works towards the things that God has called him to do. Being a hindrance is when we try to make our husband work towards the things that we think God has called him to do. Helping is for his good, hindering is for our own.

So what’s the solution? How do we lovingly help without being a hindrance? The first thing that we need to do is get our hearts right before God. We need to trust in the work that He is doing and humbly recognize that God doesn’t need us to accomplish what He wants. Oftentimes, He uses us in our loved ones’ lives, but if we’re waiting to be used by Him, than we will seek how His guidance for how to proceed. We won’t trust in our own initiative, but asking Him if, and how, He wants us to be used.

Secondly, we need to consider our motivation. As mentioned earlier, often the reason for our “helping” is because we’re fearful of what we’ll happen if we don’t keep everything together. We aren’t sure we will get what we want if we don’t “help” things aloge.  If fear is the reason for our intervention, than likely the good of our spouse is not the cause. We need to seek God’s good for them; not the good that we would like to create for ourselves.

Lastly, there needs to be conversation. We need to ask how we can be a help rather than assume that we know what would be most beneficial. To help is defined as “mak[ing] it easier for (someone) to do something by offering aid.” If we are in fact making it harder, because we are being discouraging or demotivating, than by definition, we aren’t helping. Our intentions may in fact be good, and let’s assume that they are, but we need to find out how our spouse would like us to make things easier, not assume that we know what they need.

A friend likes to say that in a marriage “love is the husband’s responsibility.” This is based on Ephesians 5 where we see that God calls the husband specifically to be a model of Christ’s love. While husbands should look to Christ as their guide for doing this, perhaps wives would do well to look to the work of the Holy Spirit, who is called the Helper,  for our example of how we can best be an assistance to our husbands. After all, the goal of both Christ’s love and the work of the Holy Spirit is the same – bringing glory to God.  That should be the goal of our marriages as well.

 

Why is it so tempting to be a hindrance rather than a helper? How does the Holy Spirit provide a model that we can look to for how to be a helper that brings God glory.

Bits & Pieces: Relationships

December 30, 2011 in Relationships with 0 Comments

In keeping with the theme of this week, below are the most-read posts in the  “Relationship” category for 2011. One thing that I learned this year was that people love reading about relationships – probably because they are so important to our lives, yet so hard to get right. Here are the most-read 2011 posts on this important subject.

 

 

 

May God increasingly be glorified in and through our relationships!

~N.A. Winter

 

3 Lessons of 3 Years

December 29, 2011 in Relationships with 4 Comments

Yesterday, my sweet husband and I celebrated our third-year anniversary. It’s been a good three years. In many ways, it’s been a hard three years because of the circumstances that have surrounded us. However, in the midst of painful circumstances, it has been such a blessing to have each other to spur on in the Lord, to lean on, and to enjoin each other to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am very blessed that when God picked out my future husband, He gave me such a great guy. The three years have been an adventure to be sure, but there’s no one I would rather be by my side as we ride the roller coaster of life.

Although three years, may not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, you can learn a lot in just a short time of being married. I’m sure that the years ahead will hold many more lessons and insights, and hopefully I’ll be able to write about those too. In the meantime, here are three important things that I’ve learned from our marriage:

  • Say “I Love You” often.  If you think you’ve said it enough, keep saying it. – One of the things I most appreciate about my husband is that he says “I love you” a lot. If you listened to our everyday conversations, it is full with expressions of our affection.  I suppose some people could think that this could get old, that as the years pass on you don’t need to say it as much. However, I’ve found that I need the “I love you’s” now just as much as when we were first married, maybe more. After all, after being married for a while you are familiar with each other and it can be easy to assume that your spouse knows how you feel. My husband never makes that assumption – he says I love you often, and he says it with feeling, letting me know it’s not just the words that he says, but the way that he feels.

 

  • There’s no substitute for sacrifice.  – People go to all sorts of extremes to put their love on display. They buy extravagant gifts; they hire skywriters; they take exotic trips. What I’ve learned though is that there is very little that is more meaningful in your marriage than when you sacrifice what you want for the good of the other, or the good of the marriage. It’s not easy and in all likelihood your husband or wife recognizes that, and will appreciate it all the more. Scripture is replete with the admonition to serve others selflessly; no where should this be more prominent than in our marriages.

 

  • Keep trusting in God. Keep encouraging each other. – Another one of the things that I appreciate about my husband is that he lives the truth of this statement. When I’m concerned about what comes next, he points me back to our Savior. When I’m frustrated with the way things are going, he encourages me to take the next step. It’s a characteristic of his that I hope I emulate the more that we are married. It’s tempting to put your trust in your spouse, and although you should trust them, ultimately your trust must reside with God. Your spouse will sometimes fail; He never will. At the same time, it’s important that you keep cheering on your spouse – to be the person that God has called them to be. Point them to God, and then encourage them to follow Him.

Scripture makes it clear that God gave us marriage for our good. However, a good marriage doesn’t come without some work. These are just three lessons that I have learned in my short time being married. I’m looking forward to many more lessons, and many more years to come!

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